Miscarriage and my Mental Health

Miscarriage and my Mental Health

We’d been trying to conceive for about 5 months when I fell pregnant. Sadly this pregnancy and my pregnancy the cycle after ended in miscarriage . I then didn’t know that that this would lead to a further 3 years of trying to conceive.

The time that followed my miscarriages was such a dark time & I definitely felt there was a stigma around it! I even had some idiot boss at work say ‘ I did say you were telling people early’ as if this made any difference. I became really withdrawn and angry. I was definitely angry at the world, my situation, life. I’d completely take my mood out on my amazing husband Stu, it was so easy to forget he was grieving too.

I think because of the perceived stigma I found it so hard to speak & reach out to people.

I fell pregnant my following cycle & was given an early scan which shown a heartbeat hadn’t developed. I went to my doctors quite clearly upset and my nurse told me 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage so it’s really common . Yeah it’s common, but that doesn’t make it any easier or less painful. The best way I’ve ever seen it summed up is a post by Jason Mandord after Gary Barlow’s baby Poppy was still born. If you’ve not read it definitely have a read, he sums it up perfectly. It’s the hopes and dreams from the minute you get that positive test that are suddenly shattered. Feeling like it’s a taboo subject at a time you really need to talk to people can make you feel even lower, I’ve definitely learnt to speak about it more.

For me I can’t really say when I started to feel better emotionally & even now 6 years later I still get sad when I think about that time & the months that followed. It even made me a bit wary of trying to conceive a second baby incase it happened again. The difference now is I feel emotionally stronger & feel like I can be more open. I hope by talking about it others can feel this way too but I know how hard it is to talk about it.

The TWW when trying to conceive

The TWW when trying to conceive

Some of you maybe looking at the acronym TWW wondering what on earth I’m going on about. Those of you who have been on the whole trying to Trying to Conceive (TTC) rollercoaster will probably know that I mean the two week wait. The two weeks from Ovulation to your period due date. I’m sure I’m not alone in being drove absolutely mad in this time and feeling every single symptom possible. We are about 10 months into trying to conceive this time around and it was about 3 years with Finn so I’m experienced with the TWW.

I honestly drive myself absolutely mad every month, feel slightly sick that’s it I’m pregnant. My boobs are sore, definitely having a baby (lets all ignore the fact I’m poking them a million times a day to see if they are sore). Feeling tired, better get that Mothercare shop in. I joke because that’s my way, stiff upper lip and all that, but the pain is real. Each month seems like a little reminder of the agony & when my period does arrive it often brings a few dark days for me. I do try to be a positive person generally but it can be so tough when something is out of your control. Let’s not even start on the tests, your a true member of the TWW club when you know internet cheapies ( 15 for £3.50 off Amazon anyone?) are you new best friend. I have to ban myself nowadays as that one little line can set me on a downward spiral.

I’ve developed a few self care mechanisms now to help myself through the TWW and when my period arrives. I really think having these in place can help your state of mind. There’s the obvious usual ones; a nice bath & pamper, an early night with my book., going for a run/walk. Or I even sometimes manage to plan a nice Meal with a Few gins out or at home. Might as well make the most of the gin while I can hey. Also never discount the cathartic effect of a good cry & a rant. It’s a proper rubbish situation and letting it all out is healthy. I try my hardest to be strong for Finn but I’m human so there’s nothing wrong with a good old moan.

Does anyone else suffer during the TWW what are your coping mechanisms? I’d love to hear some.

First Doctors appointment for Secondary infertility

First Doctors appointment for Secondary infertility

I’ve recently had my GP appointment to see about getting referred to the fertility department at the hospital. I also wanted to ask about what happened during my c-section as I was told one of my fallopian tubes got cauterised due to a burst cysts. Obviously I wasn’t really ready to take it all in post birth so I’m not exactly sure what happened. My GP said she couldn’t see anything on my notes about this so she will write to the hospital.

She said my symptoms definitely sound like PCOS (irregular, heavy painful periods, facial hair etc..) I already knew I had this as I was diagnosed about 10 years ago but my symptoms do seem to be a lot worse lately. My GP said you can actually go through cycles of it being worse then better which I didn’t really know before.

One symptom of PCOS is that you may not ovulate every cycle so I am going to do Ovulation kits & BBT ( basal body temperature) to pin point ovulation. For those who don’t know BBT is where you take your temperature every morning before you even sit up. A surge of at least 0.3 degrees for at least 3 days means you’ve ovulated. I use an app called glow so I can track my cycles.

My GP also recommended I loose weight, this will help with my PCOS symptoms & help me to conceive. I’ve started a healthy eating plan to help me.

The outcome isn’t really what I wanted in the sense that I’ve not been referred to fertility but I am having an ultrasound to check for cysts etc.. she has then said we can take it from there, hopefully then we can get answers.

I’d love to hear from any of you with PCOS and what you found helped with your symptoms?

Secondary Infertility

Secondary Infertility

The pain of secondary Infertility is something that’s crept up on me. We had years of trying for Finn & I had a few miscarriages so was in a quite dark place and thought when I had Finn it was all behind me. Without sounding flippant I was in a newborn bubble so it’s just not something I thought about until he was a few years old. During my c -section I had to have one of my tubes cauterised due to burst cysts but I didn’t really even give this a second thought as I was too engrossed in my new born. Now the time has come I’m starting to wonder what effect this will have along with my existing PCOS.

Recently (well the past 9 months or so) we’ve been thinking about a second baby and have gone with the whole ‘we’re not trying we’re just seeing what happens’ approach at first. I suppose it’s inevitable though that it soon becomes all consuming. All the sadness of first time round has come rushing back and I find myself endlessly on conception forums and doing my BBT before I’ve even opened my eyes in the morning (if you’ve been on the rollercoaster you’ll know.

I know we’re really lucky as I’ve friends struggling to conceive their first child so I know just how lucky we are to have Finn this time round. Despite this It just doesn’t stop the pain though and it’s the whole thought of not giving Finn a sibling which is hard, it’s such a special bond and I’d love Finn to experience it. I’ve had all the heartless comments as well from ‘You can’t let him be an only child it’s selfish’, ‘he’s started pre school now don’t you think it’s time you had another’, ‘ are you not getting on with another yet’ to the most annoying ‘just relax it will happen’ yeah okay you put yourself in my shoes and relax.

I’m also really conscious this time around that I want to be really positive for Finn, last time I could wallow a bit in self pity but it’s harder to take time out now. For now though I’m putting my positive head on and awaiting a referral to hospital, I’ll keep you updated on that whole process. I know this is really garbled and rambly but I wanted to get it all down. I wish I would have wrote about it first time round and I hope this will not only help someone else but help me to get all my thoughts out and in one place.

I’d love to hear from anyone with fertility issues whether first, second or more times round as I really do think as a society we should be a lot more open about it.