We’d been trying to conceive for about 5 months when I fell pregnant. Sadly this pregnancy and my pregnancy the cycle after ended in miscarriage . I then didn’t know that that this would lead to a further 3 years of trying to conceive.
The time that followed my miscarriages was such a dark time & I definitely felt there was a stigma around it! I even had some idiot boss at work say ‘ I did say you were telling people early’ as if this made any difference. I became really withdrawn and angry. I was definitely angry at the world, my situation, life. I’d completely take my mood out on my amazing husband Stu, it was so easy to forget he was grieving too.
I think because of the perceived stigma I found it so hard to speak & reach out to people.
I fell pregnant my following cycle & was given an early scan which shown a heartbeat hadn’t developed. I went to my doctors quite clearly upset and my nurse told me 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage so it’s really common . Yeah it’s common, but that doesn’t make it any easier or less painful. The best way I’ve ever seen it summed up is a post by Jason Mandord after Gary Barlow’s baby Poppy was still born. If you’ve not read it definitely have a read, he sums it up perfectly. It’s the hopes and dreams from the minute you get that positive test that are suddenly shattered. Feeling like it’s a taboo subject at a time you really need to talk to people can make you feel even lower, I’ve definitely learnt to speak about it more.
For me I can’t really say when I started to feel better emotionally & even now 6 years later I still get sad when I think about that time & the months that followed. It even made me a bit wary of trying to conceive a second baby incase it happened again. The difference now is I feel emotionally stronger & feel like I can be more open. I hope by talking about it others can feel this way too but I know how hard it is to talk about it.